Renee Writes

I’ve been pondering lately why I’m so sensitive about the crapshow that is the inside of my house. It looks pretty decent from the front – flowers are rocking, got a nice Adirondack chair under the tree. I even manage to have a season- aligned decoration on my front door.

But ooh man, come inside and it’s dust and cat hair and dog toys and stacks upon stacks of papers and books, pretty good chance at any given moment they’ll be dirty dishes in the sink. It’s been this way for a long time. And I’ve made peace – mostly – with it. It’s clean enough – no one’s getting food poisoning and it never smells bad (some lines I won’t cross). It’s cozy and comfy and my little lovely family and I are happy and relaxed here. It’s the place we are together and that’s everything.

So what’s up with the knotted stomach and panicky feeling if I think someone is coming over or staying awhile?

I think it’s about a battle between values and capacity. I do value cleanliness, organization, and simplicity. These things not only make me happy and relaxed, they are deeply ingrained in my psyche as the right and proper way of being. It’s how you show the world that you are a respectable, grown-ass adult. Let’s not get me started on it’s how you show that you are a good woman, a good wife, a good mom. That’s a twisted rabbit-hole for another day.

So, let’s see – looking over my list of internalized values, and yep, there it is: I value keeping a clean and orderly house.

So (looks around the room): What. The. Fuck? My actions are not reflecting my values. What is wrong with me? I can handle that dissonance in private, but if other eyes see, I feel shame, embarrassed by the judgement that is clearly my own but disguised as theirs when I throw it to that person to have it thrown back at me, like some kind of weird game of catch they don’t even know they are playing.

I assume the only reasonable conclusion they can reach is that I clearly do not value cleanliness and order.

But here’s the thing: in the fight of Values vs Capacity, Capacity wins. Every. Time. Like, KO in the first round win. Doesn’t mean Values don’t exist, or even that they are weak. It means Capacity is always stronger.

Capacity is also a sneaky son of a bitch. Sometimes, it gets Values to fight each other. Maybe the value of an orderly house makes me stay up late and get it done. Awesome. Tidy-house Value just kicked the shit out of Self-Care-Through-Adequate-Rest Value. Because Capacity could only let one stay standing.

Capacity wins. And we all need to stop pretending it doesn’t. That we can magically buckle-down, bootstrap-up, push-through make that not true.

The beauty of this truth is that, sometimes but not always, we can grow Capacity. I say this from a white-educated-employed-woman place of privilege. So, I won’t expound on how I build capacity – there’s a million other writers out there who are happy to tell us all their ideas on that.

Where I want to land on this is: before you label yourself as bad or lazy or lacking values, take a look at your capacity. And maybe cut yourself some slack.

And, equally importantly, cut that person next to you some slack. Understand that quite often our judgment of others lands on the assumption that they do not value something that we value. Before you say, “That mom doesn’t get her kids to school on time = she doesn’t value education,” or look in the grocery cart next to you and, seeing highly-processing, ready- made foods, think “that mom doesn’t value quality nutrition for her children”, ask yourself, it is possible this person holds the same values I do, but doesn’t have the capacity to fulfill those values? It’s possible they don’t share your values, and that’s a right they have. But I think we would all be shocked if we knew how often those values do exist but the capacity to live by them is limited.

And then we should ask, “What would more capacity look like for this person?” “Is there anything I can do or suggest that would increase their capacity?” And at the very least, understand that they – and you – and me – are all fighting the good fight and doing the best we can with what we’ve got, and feeling pretty beat-up most days. Let’s not beat up on each other, or ourselves.

Smile at that mom, tell her you see how much she loves her kids, wish her a good day.

Then remember this from me:

The dust can wait. Go to bed.